im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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