i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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