and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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