Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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