do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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