Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
