Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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