I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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