mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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