The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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