i just sent this text using only my big toe
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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