he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
