you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
