I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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