Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
