My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
