awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
