I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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