That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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