It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
