mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
