I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
