i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
