On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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