This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
