Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
