Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
