im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
