U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
