The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
