I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
A+ Viking dick
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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