I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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