similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
