I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
