She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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