I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
