you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need to align my fucking chakras
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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