I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i now understand why vodka
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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