just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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