Dual....:-)
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
