does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
