Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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