I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
