He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
