Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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