At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
