I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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