Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
