I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
