lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There are leaves in my underwear?
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