the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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