I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
