I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
