god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
