You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
